Mr. “Topher” Chris owes me $5

We get mail:

I was in the liquor store, looking for something new to try, when my eye was caught by a festive can: “Budweiser & Clamato: Chelada”. Racking my brain I realized I had heard this very drink mentioned on IED. Knowing that Mr. “Topher” Chris himself would never let me down I confidently picked up a 24 fluid ounces can and strode to the cashier, certain that I was going to enjoy a lovely new beverage.

When I got to my friend’s party a couple guys made fun of me for my choice but I told them to go fuck themselves and get back to me when they had as many followers on Tumblr as Mr. “Topher” Chris (they didn’t know what Tumblr was so they didn’t really get it but I do so fuck them twice).

Anyway I cracked open my can and peered inside…..and lost some of my confidence. It didn’t look very appetizing. Nor did it smell that great (though not awful). Figuring I’d come this far, I took a swig. And almost gagged. It wasn’t the taste so much as the feel. This, dear sirs, is a disgusting drink. An undrinkable drink. A drink that no responsible man would go on to his soon to be award-winning I’m sure podcast and recommend. Mr. “Toper” Chris, you owe me $5. Cash only, or I guess I’ll take a check but only with a valid form of ID. And no I won’t tell you how to get it to me, just know that I am waiting for it.

Best wishes,

-Jake

Thanks for writing, Jake. We appreciate all forms of fan mail, even if it involves hopeless pleas for money. I may be the only person on the planet who can ingest an entire 24 fluid ounces of that pink-death concoction, but it seems to me that you still got your money’s worth. Think of the experience itself — the bigger picture, Jake. Think of all you learned — particularly never to trust my taste in beverages ever again. Think of the entertainment you provided to the guys who made fun of you. What you’ve gained out of this long, winding journey, sir, is worth far more than a measly $5.

I am not completely without a certain feeling of responsibility, however. It is for that reason that I will dedicate my next ingestion of “Budweiser & Clamato: Chelada” alcoholic beverage to you, and you alone, Jake. Further, anything that comes up afterwards will be named “Jake Jr.”

Thanks again for your correspondence,
“Topher”

posted approximately 3 years ago